Lets evaluate? U kissed one boss and lef twith another man. I cock teased the other, hardcore had a tongue jammed down my throat, made out w aa third then left in a cab w alex w them all yelling at me and offering rides. My cheek was also licked and bitten by 2 other men and we almost made out (u and me) because they asked. were hired.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
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