I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
