youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Sext me about skeletons
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
