maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
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