it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Randomize
