I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
Randomize
