Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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