Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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