o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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