The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
