He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
