All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
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