Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Randomize
