im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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