Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
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