My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
