We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
