Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
COCAINE IS GR8
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Randomize
