im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Randomize
