you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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