I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
