At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Randomize
