its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
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Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
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