I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
