we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
