i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Randomize