Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
