Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
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