I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Randomize
