I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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