My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
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