My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
i need an iv and a liver transplant
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
Randomize
