right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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