the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
Randomize
