i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
Randomize
