I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize
