He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Naked. naked and bneed help.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Randomize
