Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
Randomize
