how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
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