This is clearly one of those "A hole's a hole" situations
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
