You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize
