yeah i was sneaking up to her room and on the way i saw a picture of her and left
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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