Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
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