You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
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