What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
