My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
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