you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
The Internet Is Obsessed With This Stripper Who Dropped It Low Just To Eat A Slice Of Pizza
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
39 Memes Anyone Who Cries When They See Their Bank Account Will Relate To
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.