It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
pray to the hookup gods
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't