i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
19 Unhappily Married People Confess The Red Flags They Ignored
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
These 23 People Destroyed Their Entire Lives In An Instant
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.