i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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