dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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