Moan for me like Helen Keller
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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