I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
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