guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
