As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
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Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
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Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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