Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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