making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
