My Higher Power is John Stamos
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Randomize
