Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
