Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
