I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize
