Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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