so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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