I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
