you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Randomize
